Sunday, May 09, 2010

Not the Fat Girl...

Beware, deep post ahead.  Don't worry though, I'll post some funny stuff at the end.  OK, so I think I had a moment yesterday.  Maybe it's all the great pain medication cuz of my back.  Wheeeee!!!!!!  ;}  Anyway, in all seriousness I really think I had a moment; a couple of them actually.

One is I got busted in an "I want a baby" moment yesterday.  My nephew (The Joe) is just a little guy, just a little over a year old.  I was sitting on the couch by the window and he wanted to look out the window.  So there we were, The Joe standing on my lap looking out the window and leaned his head on my shoulder, so I leaned into him a little and he sighed.  Wow, melted my heart I tell you what.  Well, hubby caught me.  When The Joe wanted down I put down and he waddled away all the while, I'm grinning like an idiot.  Then hubby said, "You're busted, see you want one."  So yeah, I think I want a baby.  *pause to give my mom a minute to stop screaming/crying with joy.  ok mom, are ya done.  :D*  Course right now there are a lot of things standing in my way.  I have to wait till December at least (my bariatric surgeon says 18 months), and I'm pretty sure I'm staring down a double barreled assault rifle of back surgery. 

Hubby and I were talking about the baby situation when we got home yesterday afternoon and I told him one of the reasons I wasn't sure was because I'm afraid of gaining weight back.  Which is vain and totally unlike me.  But I'm finally not the fat girl anymore.  Over the years I got used to being the fattest person in the room.  Not happy, but accustomed to it.  Before being banded I had given up.  I had resigned to the fact that I was destined to be fat.  Even after several doctors told me that I was too heavy to carry out a safe pregnancy.  Which at that time came as a shock cuz right then all I wanted was a baby.  I was devastated.  Then I committed to lose weight (pre band) so I could have a baby.  It didn't work.  On a strict diet I lost a few pounds in a few months, it didn't come off fast enough, so I gave up.

Then my back got screwed up and the doc said he would have to fix it before I had a baby or he was going to put me on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy.  Well, shit.  Now what?

Fast forward 3 years.  I'm also staring down the double barreled assault rifle of the big 3-0.  I know why it's said the first 7 years of marriage are the hardest.  In the just under 4 years hubby and I have been married we've went through hell and back.  We were married in July of 2006, in November of 2006 is when I started having issues with my back.  Bring on the doctors (first, second and third opinion), bring on the mri's, bring on the pain medications just so I can sleep through the night, bring on the medical bills that are forcing us into bankruptcy. 

In the last three years I've had two surgeries in order to keep from having back surgery.  First in September of 2007 I had a breast reduction.  My back is actually screwed up so bad because I had such large breasts.  The doctor took 7 POUNDS off each side.  And I'm still in a C, that's how much I had.  I had to have all of my bras made from the time I was about 14.  I actually have a reall small ribcage, which makes my band size about a 32.  Ever try to find a 32T off the rack?  Let me tell you ladies, it's not there. 

Then I got banded in June of last year.  I'm 50 pounds down and I thought I was out of the woods, thought I was going to make it.  I was wrong.  Holy shit was I ever wrong.  Why do the good things always come with bad things following right behind it?  Yay, finally decided that I might want to have a baby.  BAM fell down and might have to have back surgery.  It's like eating something great that cost a buttload of money and getting stuck on the first bite and having to throw the rest of your meal away.  What the hell!

It's really weird to look around and see that you're not the fat girl anymore.  You're not the biggest one in the group/room/whatever.  Insert appropriate situation here.  Being fat is such a stigma.  Like Kelly Osbourne (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE HER by the way) said, she was ridiculed more for being fat than she was as a drug addict.  This doesn't make sense, but I believe her.  There are so many terrible things associated with being fat.  Health risks not withstanding.  Great image for a little girl don't you think, you can be a drug addict, but oh no, don't get fat what a bunch of crap.  Again, what the hell!

As fat people we have to have special clothes, special shoes, special chairs, special treatment on airplanes.....blah, blah, blah, etc.  For a lot of us (WLS surgery patients) just being able to buy regular clothes is huge.  HUGE!  To go somewhere and buy a regular pair of jeans that doesn't have a W after the size gives us a high that almost rivals the high we get from food.  There are few things better than that. 

While I was at the birthday party yesterday it was amazing to look around and see that I was no longer the fattest, most unhealthy person there.  I'm not saying this to be mean to the other people in my family.  I actually have a pretty great relationship with most of the people on hubby's side of the family.  I don't remember who it was, but someone earlier this week posted about walking into a meeting and being really surprised that she wasn't the fattest one there anymore. 

This is a big thing.  When you finally realize that you're getting healthy, putting yourself on your to do list.  Deep stuff. 

Do I still remain fixed on the number on the scale?  Yeah, I'm still a daily weigher.  I know that right now it's going to stay steady or heaven forbid go up.  With this new thing with my back I can't exercise at all.  Let me just say now, I'm prepared for this and owning my choices.  Owning it is a big part of this process, however, that's a blog for another day.  So I know this is going to put a damper on things for a while. 

But, the point of my post.  It's really weird to realize that I'm not the fat girl.  I still have a lot of weight to lose, about 70 pounds.  But for some reason I get off on the thought that I'm no longer the fat girl.  I'm not the awkward fat girl with the short hair sitting in the corner.  For years I've felt like Carrie (from Steven King's novel).  Really I have.  It's really a great thing that I didn't notice this when I was heavier, I would have been even more depressed than I was.  Good gawd. 

Well, I guess that's about enough of that.  Is it odd to move yourself to tears when you realize something?  Whew, anyway.  On to the funny stuff.  Here are some pics from the pirate party yesterday.

He's been looking for an excuse to wear this stupid hat since he bought it.  lol

What's a pirate without a decent hat?

This is my best pirate wench impression.  And yes, the telescope up the eye with the patch is intentional.  YAR MATEY!

Surrender the Booty.  :D

This is Logan with one of his presents.  The bag weighed a ton, as if you couldn't tell.

The Joe.

Hubby playing with the beagle.  The laptop is mine, and I'm catching up on blogs.  :)

Proof that my dog thinks she's a person.  Isn't she cute?

Well, that's all for now.  Happy posting everyone.

Added a couple of hours later........the following pictures are why I married my hubby.  THE MAN CAN COOK!  he wanted me to take a pic of the meat close up in order to show the pink smoke ring.  He's very proud.





GOOD GAWD I LOVE THIS MAN!!  Not exactly bandster friendly, but sooooo gooood.  At least I'm not thinking about my back.

5 comments:

Leslie said...

That was a wonderful post. My biggest motivator in having WLS was having a baby and now that I've had surgery I find myself putting it off more and more. And I'm okay with that which is the weirdest thing because a year ago at this time all I could think about was a baby. I think I'm scared of putting on weight again too so I understand where you are coming from.

Band Groupie said...

Great post! OK, you do know that just because you have a baby doesn't mean you'll gain a lot of weight, right (I think my Mom gained about 18 lbs.-while pregnant)? I gained about 30lbs. with my first and yes, I kept about 20 of it...my fault, suddenly stopped exercising and stopped caring about me as I thought I couldn't do both (care for the baby and me)...stupid. Knowing what I know now and if I'd had a band back then there's no way I wouldn't have lost the weight quickly after childbirth...it's all about continuing to keep yourself on the list and care about your health. OK, lecture over...I'm just saying (OK not quite over) that even if I knew I'd come home 20 pounds heavier it would not stop me from having a kid. Here's the great thing about the band...it's forever. OK, done.

So happy for you and I hope this back thing gets figured out quickly for you!

Drazil said...

Um yah - you're the cutest thing evah. For realz. Love your epiphanies...and love that you're willing to even go there and embrace the new feelings you're finding. You're amazing - now and always - no matter how you compare in weight to others in a room. You are you. No one else can say that. Ever.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE AND OUT. YOU HAVE CONQURED SO MANY THINGS IN YOUR LIFE TO BE PROUD OF. AND.....YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST MOMMY. cuz i am already the best grandma ha ha just keep up the great work.
love,
mom

The Shrinking Rini said...

Great post!

Post a Comment