Thursday, August 19, 2010

Still Camera Shy......

OK, sooooooooooo.....................my mom was telling me the other day that I needed to blog.  Gotta love mom, keeping me in line all sorts of ways.  Even from Rick's in Ohio. 

Since I last wrote I've been working on recovering from surgery still.  A little pissed off that is such a slow process.  But, as hubby tells me, I didn't get hurt overnight, not gonna get well overnight.  Ho hum. 

I've been going three times a week for a little over a month now to physical therapy, I have a couple more weeks of that left, then I go down to twice a week.  That'll be a relief.  For me and the checkbook, 45.00/visit co pay is a little harsh.  Thankfully they know that I can't pay it all at once and are working with me on the payments. 

Therapy days are still pretty rough.  But I'm walking about six blocks 5 days a week so that's helping too.  My band is still kinda loose right now.  I got a little fill a couple weeks ago and was supposed to go back today, but didn't want to go without my mom, since this is our thing, so I rescheduled it.  What's another couple of weeks.  Even with my band loose right now I'm still losing cuz I'm betting a fair amount of exercise.  With physical therapy and all the walking.  Which is so much easier now since surgery. 

This week was one of our nephews birthday's.  He turned 2.  My mother in law was going around to all the guests with a video camera and having us say a little birthday message to him.  I think this is kinda silly since he's only two and more than likely won't remember this birthday, much less the messages we all said, but hay, kept her busy and she wasn't ridiculing me, so hay.  I'll take it.  When it got around to me, I actually asked not to do it.  Not because I thought it was a silly idea, but because I didn't want to be on camera.  I didn't want to have to sit down and watch this with my nephew and think "look at that fat cow".  Interesting. 

Why is it that after 70 pounds I still look at myself and think "well shit, I'm still fat"?  I don't want my picture taken, I don't want to be on camera, and if I do, I try really damn hard to make sure something is in front of me (you know, the floating head shot) so all you can see is my face.  Again, interesting.  My face is where I notice it the most.  My drivers lisence doesn't even look like me anymore.  People will literally look at it, then look at me, back to the lisence, back to me, you know, like the old spice commercial.  (I'm on a horse)  :)  Sorry, couldn't help it. 

Back to the point......what the hell?  Why do I/we still see ourselves as fat?  When we've accomplished so much.  Losing 50+ pounds is an accomplishment!  For anyone!  And to keep it off, that's even better!  My list blog that I wrote a while back comes to mind.  Where I would do good to remember the things I've accomplished (band and otherwise) in my life when I think I've done nothing.  I've been through a lot in my young life.  At least that's what mom says. 

Who else has ran into this issue?  Just out of my own curiosity.  How many of us have lost significant amounts and are still camera shy?

9 comments:

-Grace- said...

I still think of myself as 338. Not sure if that will ever stop, maybe it will decrease?

Kerri said...

As the weight comes off, I am becoming a smidge less camera shy. It will all come together in the end. Our minds will catch up to our bodies....I hope!

Jenny said...

I think it just takes time. We've seen ourselves as heavy for so long, its not like we can just flip a switch. It will come. You should be proud of your accomplishments, you worked hard!

LDswims said...

I'm glad you are doing well with your recovery. And I'm glad your mom pushed you to blog!

As for the pictures, I'm not camera shy anymore, I'm ok with having pictures taken. Doesn't mean I like the image, though. Somehow, when I look in the mirror and I can see what I see, it's ok. I've got a long ways to go but I can see progress. But when I see pics, with me clustered in with my family, for example, there's this little birdy singing "that's what people see?" Pictures, somehow do what mirrors can't and that is confirm what we look like to others. So maybe that plays a part...

Anonymous said...

hi sweetheart,
yes its me all the way from ohio. ha ha
you have come a very long way so you need to be proud of what you have done and OWN THE FEELING. isnt that what you say??? i love you and you do look great in pics now so go fore it.
love,
mom

Kinzie said...

I hear you! I have this weird messed up mind though. Some days I feel thinner than I am and think I am hot and that is scary and other days I know I am feeling the same as I did almost 50 pounds ago. Is it always going to be like this? At least the two seem to balance out and hell, at almost 50 years of age I kinda know in reality I am NOT that hot, lol. Stick with the facial shots if that is what you are comfortable with. Girl, you need to post one of those on here!

Dirttrackdiva said...

thanx for all the comments ladies. and kinzie, at almost 50 years of age i bet you're still damn hot! don't be so hard on yourself. as far as the posting on here, what are referring to? i do have some pics posted on my blogs, but they're farter back. haven't posted a pic in a while. i guess if i found out i got caught in one, i'll throw it up here. ;)

Dirttrackdiva said...

as mom pointed out. the errors. farther is what i meant. :D sorry about that. typing faster than the computer can comprehend.

Bonnie said...

Just wanted to check in to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope you are doing well. I know this must be a frustrating process. I had to laugh at the Old Spice commercial reference. I LOVE those commercials.

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