Three 50/50 Chances...

So, I took the hubs back to the doctor on Wednesday, this time the orthopedic surgeon.  And I wasn't happy with the results I got.  Not happy at all. 

First of all, we waited an hour and half.  The place was busy, so that's not really a big deal, but they could have at least informed us they were running an hour and half late when we got there.  The appointment was at 3:30 and we didn't get out of the waiting room untill 5:00.  Like I said, they were busy, so I'm ok with this, but we had other stuff we needed to get done that day, before 5:00, and it didn't get done. 

So, anyway, we get back there and the doc comes and looks at his leg, and gives me three 50/50 scenarios, and these were his exact words:

1.  The swelling could go away, but it might not;

2.  I could operate, but I might not;

3.  If I do operate the swelling could come back, but it might not

WHAT?!  I'm so glad I didn't have to pay this whack job a co pay, I would have been so pissed, because I really think he gave us a dis-service.  I could have told him all of those things, and I'm not even a doctor.  Not even close. 

Then, this "doctor" told us that hubs could go back to work tomorrow if he wanted to.  Which I said there was no way in hell that was going to happen.  His leg is still really swolen, not quite, but almost twice the size of his left leg.  The doc did tell us that it's blood swelling.  Which means that when his leg got ran over, the trauma separated his skin from the subcutaneous tissue underneath.  Creating the pocket where the swelling is. 

I don't think that the doc telling us that it could go away, but then again it might not is bullshit.  I wanted to get a second opinion, but hubby doesn't want to.  The jury is still out on that actually.  I just don't know what to do. 

The doc released him to go back to work on the 15th, but said they will give him another week if he needs it, I will just need to get in touch with the doctor and his boss in enough time to get the extra week off approved.  So, my job this week is to make sure he gets some activity to loosen his leg up.  Walking or riding the stationary bike or something.  Which I'll be watching to see how he does with that, how is walking is, and how much he needs his pain medication.  His going back to work next Monday all depends on that.

I know that he's going crazy, and he's ready to go back to work, and I'm ready for him to go back to work.  :)  Good grief, he's driving me crazy!  We don't usually spend this much time together. 

I got my fill last week, and I got the 1cc that I wanted, but I don't know if it was enough.  I know that a few months ago this was my sweet spot, but it doesn't seem like it is anymore.  Which the sweet spot is pretty elusive I guess.  I'm going to give it another week.  Which I would have to do anyway, the doc will only fill you every two weeks.  But, I know that if next week I'm still not at optimum restriction I'm going to get another fill before Thanksgiving. 

That's all I have my bloggy ladies.  Happy posting and enjoy your weekends.



Life Update

Happy Saturday everyone!  And, Happy (early) Halloween! 

Here are some of the updates that have went down over the last couple days.

Thursday~Went to get my fill and it went great.  Got the other 1cc that I wanted since that was the other half of what was drained when I had my back surgery.  So far so good.  It was my sweetspot before, but I don't know if it is now.  I still seem to be able to eat more than I like and don't have as much restriction as I would like.  But, as we all know, fills sometimes take a few days to kick in.  Here's to hoping that I'm going to gain a little more restriction in the next few days.  If not, they said I could come back and get another microfill if I felt I needed it.  I'm going to see how Thanksgiving goes and if I don't have my prefered restriction by then, I'll go back. 

I got to meet a great friend of mine that I'd helped through this process and she just recently had gastric bypass and is doing great.  She had a few issues in the beginning with a lot of pain and some spasms, and had to spend a few extra days in the hospital because of it.  But she's home now and doing much better.

My father in law had to put his dog to sleep also on Thursday, he was 19, but it was still pretty rough.  But, at least he lived a good long life.  Hubby and I went to visit my father in a law a few days ago and the dog didn't seem like he was doing well.  I asked him if he'd taken him to the vet and had him checked out, and he said that he did and as long as the dog was eating he was fine.  Ok then.  We took that as a good sign.  Well, a couple of days later he was showing some signs that he was suffering, so my father in law decided to have him put to sleep. 

Another friend of mine's aunt passed away, this was also Thursday.  And I was out of town for all of it.  It was kinda crazy.  From the time I woke up pretty much till the time I went to bed I was getting texts and phonecalls.  I'm glad that my family depends on me though.  It's great to feel needed and know that my family and friends can come to me for support. 

On top of all this I was worried about hubby being home by himself because of his leg.  I was gone for just a little over 24 hours so I figured he could handle it, but stranger things have been known to happen.  Comes to find out, he was fine left to his own devices.  :)

So, Thursday when I got home I put on my comfy clothes and (tried to) watch Grey's and Private Practice.  Well, I made it about halfway through Grey's and that's all I remember.  Fell alseep.  Hubby woke me up after Private Practice and sent me to bed. 

Friday~I had my 90 day follow up for my back surgery.  Doc told me I was perfect, I told him that I was aware of that, but wanted to know what was going on with my back.  :)  So, anyway, doc said everything is textbook, but wants to see me in three more months.  Then he's going to give me the green light to start exercising again (thank goodness) as well as starting to try to have a baby.  Should be exciting.

Took hubby to the doc for his leg and they took him off work for another week, at least.  We're also going to an orthopaedic surgeon on Wednesday.  He's able to walk on it a little more now during the day, but is having difficulty at night still.  It's still pretty swolen and the part that is swolen is hard.  Which concerns me.  The doc didn't see anything disturbing on his MRI, we asked him some questions and then I asked if we could see an ortho, which hubby didn't want to do, but I don't care.  :)  I would rather be out the co pay for that, then have him go back to work too soon and do more damage, or make temporary damage permanent. 

There was the option of sending him back to work, but on light duty.  Which isn't an option.  Hubby works really hard and doesn't really know what light duty is.  His boss told him the same thing, that it's not an option, cuz she can't afford to pay me to stand over him, and doesn't think he could do it. 

Office Depot is really being very, very supportive about this.  Which eases our minds a lot.  I would hate to have him get hurt and use up all his paid time off, only to go back to work to find out he's been let go.  Not only would I be UBER PISSED, we would also be pretty screwed. 

Then yesterday evening I spent the evening with my bestie and we embarrassed our other halves by sharing knowledge, and laughed our asses off, at them and other things.  Good times.

Today~should be cleaning house, but I'm not.  Watching the Mizzou/Nebraska game and hoping Mizzou wins.  That's about all I've got for today my friends.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend and happy posting.



MRI's, Fills, and Friends....Oh My

What's up y'all.  Just a quick post to let you guys know that we got hubby's MRI yesterday.  They gave us a disk of the shots they took, and I'm not a doctor, but I did see a couple things that kind of concerned me.  First of all there is A TON of swelling still.  Thankfully no internal bleeding though because all the fluid was white on the MRI shots, and I know that blood shows up black on x~ray's and MRI's.  Also, still no broken bones, by some miracle.  I guess his gallon of milk every couple of days habit, while albeit expensive, isn't such a bad deal after all.  If he comes out of this ok, I'll buy him all the milk he wants.  :)  So we're lucky there.  And there is one other shot of the back of his leg that it looks like the piece of cartilage that keeps his tibia and fibia from rubbing together is completely blown.  Like it's bone on bone.  And there is a tendon that is behind his leg, we're thinking these are the main issues we're going to be facing going into the doctors office on Friday.  I'm thinking worst case scenario right now, the doc will have to scope his knee and drain some of the fluid off.  Which is still a surgery and still scares me.

Like I said, we're not doctors.  But with the issues with my back and going to school for coding I've seen some x~ray and MRI shots.  Not enough to make me an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I kinda know what I'm looking at.  That's the only knowledge we have going into this.  I just know that with the tendon issue, it's only in one shot.  Which could mean a lot of things, good and bad.  It could just be something that's an anomoly to that shot, or it could really be something.  Pretty worried, but I know that there's nothing I/we can do about anything unill we see the doc on Friday.  Hubby has decided it would be best for him to take another week off.  Thank God he's got the time that he can use for it.  He has about 4 weeks of vacation/sick/personal time that he can use so we won't lose any pay.  Other than the bonus money we'd be getting from all the overtime he usually gets, as well as some other bonuses he gets for selling accessories and warranties on computers and stuff.  But, I'd rather be out the extra bucks to have him healthy. 

I'm getting a much needed fill tomorrow.  Wanna know how I know it's much needed?  I ate four pieces of pizza for dinner last night.  Let me put this into perspective for you

FOUR.  PIECES. OF.  PIZZA! 

What the hell?!  Now, granted, I really haven't been the same since I had 2cc's taken out after my back surgery.  And my doctors office, after you're post op for over a year, they won't put more than 1cc in your band at a time.  Which, normally I would say that's a great policy, but they took 2cc's out, why not put 2cc's back in? 

Well, I had 1cc put back in in August, was supposed to have the other cc put back in last month, but around fill time I was having major tightness issues so I thought I'd wait.  Wise choice, but crappy choice at the same time.  So, I'm having the other cc put back in tomorrow and I can't wait. 

I also get to "meet" a great friend of mine that I've been talking to on Facebook about bariatrics for a long time.  She opted to go with gastric bypass instead of the lapband, but I just love, love, love her! 

I feel like we've known eachother all of our lives and we're certainly lifelong friends.  One of the greatest things about this community.  We're so tightknit that even without most of us meeting in person, we know eachother.  We know more about eachother than most people that have met us in person know. 

YOU.  LADIES.  ROCK!

I wanna leave you with a dose of cuteness for the day.

Hubby and the beagle were taking a nap on the couch yesterday and I had to take this picture.  I don't get to take cuteness pictures of my hubby very often, cuz he's just not the cuteness type.  lol 

Well, that's all I have right now.  I'll keep you all posted on hubby's results from the doc as well as my fill.  Happy blogging my friends and have a great couple of days.

Mind Dribble....

I don't really have a lot to report, but I know that I need to keep blogging.  This sisterhood is amazing and the support I've received here is just as amazing.  I really hope some day I can pay it forward.  Which I plan to by working in bariatrics when I graduate from coding/billing school. 

Hubby is getting his MRI tomorrow afternoon.  Still pretty nervous about that, and still won't know anything till Friday when we see the doc for a follow up. 

I'm gaining/losing the same five pounds I've been screwing around with since July.  Still holding out for that fill I'm getting next week. 

I'm learing how to cook.  This is a surprising thing for everyone that knows me.  I've burnt water before.  Seriously.  Ruined a $40.00 pan, hubby was pissed.  But I've actually noticed that hubby and I are a decent team in the kitchen.  Shhhh, don't tell him I said that.  I've taken great care to inform him I don't do kitchen stuff.  You know, like Bill Cosby in Himself.....if you act stupid and make others think you can't handle it, they will believe you, and you'll get out of it.  Smart man, that Bill Cosby.

Other than that, nothing else really major going on.  My attorney has FINALLY, repeat FINALLY gotten his shit together when it comes to our bankruptcy and is actually filing it as I type.  'Bout damn time if you ask me.  However, he's only charging me a flat $1,000.00 to do the whole thing.  On the upside, saving us money, on the downside, you get what you pay for.  Oh well, at least it's getting done.  And we have a long history together and I trust him, so at least it's also getting done right.

Well, that's about all I have for today my bloggies.  Happy posting and enjoy your Monday.

Does Size Matter?

Minds out of the gutter ladies.  Ahem.......Draz and Amy.  :D 

I saw a shirt at Target that I've wanted really bad for quite some time.  Well, when they first started carrying it, it was almost 35.00....would love to be able to spend 35.00 on a shirt right now, but that just isn't going to happen.  Well, for my birthday I got a 15.00 gift card from Target from my BIL, it's a sign.  :)  Well, I went and the shirt I've been drooling over for weeks was on clearance for 17.00.  You can bet your ass I bought it. 

Super cute right?  I thought so.  And, since I'm a tomboy to the bone I thought it was a nice mix of comfortable yet kinda girly to keep mom happy.  :D  If you notice the slight V neck as well as the ruffle like something or other on the front.  Well, that's not even the best part.  And the sleeves are reversable.  If you roll them up there's a different pattern on them.  This is what size the hanger said it was.

Notice the hanger says XXL.  Well, I don't try on clothes.  Even after losing weight, I still hate to try on clothes.  I'd rather get depressed at home if the clothes don't fit than in a dressing room, in public, with terrible lighting.  Maybe that's just me.  And in regular sizes I wear between an XXL and L actually, depending on brand of shirt and the cut.  No big deal to me.  I've noticed in this period of me losing weight that sometimes size really doesn't matter when it comes to clothes.  I just know that I don't have to shop at the fat girl store anymore.  Which is pretty damn cool.

This is what size the shirt actually is.

I have no earthly clue why this turned out so blurry, I took about six pictures and this was the best one, but the shirt is a size XL.  In a juniors!  Holy shitballs!  (Thanx Amy)  And it's a super girly cut, ruching, smaller at the waist.  The epitomy of girliness.  Or as girly as you can be with a flannel shirt.  lol  When I was putting the shirt on actually I thought "whew, good thing I got a XXL, this is a little tighter than I would like it to be."  Then I took it off and saw what size it really was.  I would have squealed with joy like a little school girl if hubby hadn't been sleeping on the couch. 

Here are a couple of shots of what the shirt looks like on me.

For some reason the first shot makes me look like I have GIANT hips, what the hell?  The second one turned out kinda yellowish for some reason I have no idea.  My mother I'm not, can't take a good picture to save my life today.  Oh well.  Note the gap between my arm and my waist in both pictures.  That's pretty neat!  Haven't seen that in a long time.  I think it's been about ten years to be exact. 

On the weight loss friend I'm pretty much stalled.  With hubby being hurt I'm eating really crappy and sleeping even worse, so that's just causing me to shovel in whatever I can when I can get it.  Making my life a breeding ground for bad habits and bad eating.  Not really eating too much.  I'm staying steady, but I'm getting pretty hungry betweeen meals and eating too big of portions.  I've actually been flip flopping with the same 5 pounds since July when I had to have my massive unfill due to surgery. 

I'm getting a fill next week though, so hopefully that will rocket me back on track.  That's what I'm hoping for. 

An update on the hubby:  he's still in some pain and can still only put very little weight on his leg.  The swelling and the bruising is starting to go down a little.  There is still one spot on the inside of his knee (which was the point of impact) that is still very swolen and hard.  He also has no feeling in that spot.  This is my biggest concern.  However, there's nothing we can do untill we get the results of the MRI next week.  We're pretty mcch at a stand still until then.  I'll keep you all posted though.

A quick thing that's totally off track and not related at all to weight loss.  To my friends reading this are gay or lesbian.  I would like you to know that I think the violence against teen gays causing all of these horrific suicides is awful.  I want you all to know that I'm wearing more purple than a pimp right now supporting this cause.  I think there is a special place in hell for people that bully anyone.  Especially those that can't help the reason they're being bullied for.  It's like bullying someone for being fat.  We can't help it.  Just as you can't help it if you're gay.  To my friends, I love you.  The fact that you're gay doesn't mean a hill fo beans to me.  You are who you are and I loved most of you Ioved before I even knew you were gay.  Please know that you have my unending and undieing support.  Keep fighting guys.  Hopefully we'll see an end to this terrible ignorance in our lifetimes.

That's about all I have for today.  Happy posting my friends.

I'll Sell You the Whole Seat......but You'll Only Need THE EDGE!

Mmmmmmkay.......I know in my last blog (which was yesterday) I promised some pretty crazy stuff.  Well, are you all sitting down.  Seriously, this is some crazy shit.  I'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge kinda crazy shit.  :D  Sorry.  The race fan in me takes over on occasion.  Ok, most of the time., but anyway, there are things to blog about. 

So.  Here.  We.  Go.

The first picture.....

Did anyone else know these existed?!  Toasted Cocnut Marshmallows?!  Holy crap!  I found these at Wal-Mart, if anyone is interested.  I find these new because I don't shop at Wal-Mart save for very rare occasions.  These are SO GOOD!  However, beware, eating half the bag will make you gain about two pounds overnight.  I was all jazzed up and called my mom to tell her about them, and she goes "oh yeah, those are good.  I've eaten those before."  Ok, a couple things here:  1) way to take the wind out of my sails mom; and 2) WHY THE HELL WASN'T I AWARE!?  Just kidding mom, I love you. 

Now, on to more serious stuff.  Hubby and I agreed to volunteer at a haunted hayride this year, because of our love for Halloween.  And the money collected for admission goes to the Susan G Komen, Fight for a Cure.  Getting to scare people, for breast cancer research, how can we, of all people, turn that down.  That would be like if someone said to me:  "I just had these pit passes to telladega lying around, want them?"  HELL YEAH!  Since both hubby and I have been touched by cancer in some pretty major ways, this was a total no brainer for us.

Our first weekend to volunteer was last weekend.  Well, sadly, it was also our last for the season.  Since it was a hayride atmosphere, we were out in the woods.  Well, Chris didn't think that me crawling around in the woods trying to scare people so soon after back surgery was a good idea, so I volunteered to be a "guide".  Meaning I got dressed up in costume and makeup and stayed on the trailer that was going through the woods.  I got to ride around all night basically.  Which was cool, cuz I just picked the weakest/mouthiest person in the group that was on my wagon and pretty much stared them down the whole time.  :)  Each ride was about 30 minutes long.  I was dressed up as a deranged mechanic that looked like someone beat the crap out of me and drug me through the mud.  Head first.  I also had a giant fake double barrel shotgun that chris made out of wood, and painted it to look like a real shotgun.  Every now and then I would bang it on the ground of the trailer we were riding on and scare people.  Good times.

I don't have any pictures of me all dressed up, because I didn't really get the time to take any.  Here's why.  On the first trailer that went through (the one I was the guide on) and hubby was on his way over to the trailer to do his thing.  See, we share the same love for Halloween.  He's worked at the haunted houses around town for about 14 years now. 

He barks. 

Sounds like a rabid rottweiler on crack.

And it's hot.

Anyway, moving on......he lumbered up to the trailer to do his thing.  Jumped on the back, side and front of the trailer and got his scares.  Well, when he jumped off the front of the trailer, his leg slipped.  I saw him laying on the ground and I thought it was all part of his act.  I was captivated.  Thinking he was gonna go in to convulsions and start spitting fake blood any minute.  Then, when the trailer got past him, he kinda made a grunting noise and rolled over to his side.  This is when shit started getting hairy.

I thought the trailer smashed his hand.  He was carrying an axe, in order to bang it on the sides of the trailer and scare folks.  I was turning stuff over in my head about a million miles per hour, thinking that if the trailer ran over his hand and he was holding on to the axe, his hand would be broken.  This was about halfway through the first tour.

When that tour was over and I got back to the gate, a friend of ours met me up there with a golfcart (the hayride covers about 40 acres) and told me that I needed to come with him and see what happened to Chris.  Mild panic is starting to set in at this time.  Still all the while I'm thinking he broke his hand.  Well, I get to him and he's sitting in the "makeup shed" and his pant leg is split open.  Obviously not the broken hand I was prepared for. 

The trailer actually ran over his leg.  Both tires.  On his knee.  The first tire ran over his knee, he couldn't pull his leg out, for fear of doing lots of damage.  Before he could get away the second tire was going over his foot, of the same leg.  At this point the first tire was running over his hand (which was not holding on the axe) and the second tire was running over his knee again.  The trailer was full.  Both sides, so roughly about 4,000 pounds, over his knee.  Here are some pictures of that.

This was the day after.  Saturday.  You can see the point of impact in the center, where the skin is broken.  This is actually where both wheels of the trailer ran over him.

The back of his leg.  Also taken on Saturday.

The outside of his leg.  You can barely see the bruising starting to creep around his leg at this point.

Straight on shot.  I took this on Sunday morning.  Sort of looks like a deformed tree trunk from this angle.

Chris' left leg.  This is what the other one normally looks like.  This was also taken on Sunday.

The inside of his leg.  Also taken on Sunday.

I took this one this evening.  Actually in the middle of posting this blog I told him that I wanted to take more progress pictures.  Told him to stick with me, I'd make him famous.  ;)  The bruising has spread, but he said that doesn't hurt.  I'm gonna have to take his word on that one I guess.  I know if I had a bruise that looked like that, I'm sure it would hurt like all possible hell.  But, that's just me.

Another shot of the inside of the leg taken this evening.

Chris' lower leg.  Still more bruising.

The back of his leg.  I took this one this evening also.

Another shot from the front.  I took this one this evening as well.

So, we went to the ER on Friday, and by some miracle nothing was broke, cracked or fractured then.  Thankfully he's on vacation this week.  Hell of a way to start a vacation right?  We went to the follow up appointment with the doctor today and they took him off work for another week, at least, and ordered an MRI.  The doctor wants to see if the swelling caused any type of fracture or break due to the pressure.  Which I don't think it did, cuz he's been able to put a little bit of weight on it.  If it was fractured, I don't think he'd be able to do that.  But, then again, that's why we pay the docs the big bucks.  I'll keep you all posted on that.

Something funny, the guy that does our makeup for these events is a very talented artist and does amazing makeup.  People actually thought that we had been in some type of horrific accident and I didn't know how bad I was hurt.  I had stage blood and grease all over me.  It was awesome.  Everytime someone walked into the room we were in and looked at me sitting in the chair and Chris laying on the bed, they looked around like we were from a different planet.  Good stuff.

The silver lining to all this.......

This is my "thanks for taking care of my gimpy ass all week" gift.  :)  You can't really see the pic very well, but it's black and white diamonds and there are hearts in the middle.  He said it was supposed to be for Christmas, but we weren't able to get me anything for my birthday because we had to renew the tags on the car.  Such is the life of an adult.  So he said he wanted to give it to me early. 

Well all, that's it.  God bless ya if you stuck with me.  I promised something big though.  And, in true kick ass and take names fashion like my mama taught me....I delivered! 

Three blogs in three days.  Yeah.  I rock.  Happy posting my bloggy friends.

WHY AREN'T THE PICTURES WORKING?!

This is actually gonna be way short, and might not even classify as a blog, but I have a few pics that I want to post with this and the blog will make no sense if I don't post them.  And, since we can't post pictures today due to maintenance (stupid blogger) than I'll have to wait till tomorrow.

I learned a few things today.  Nothing terribly profound, but like I said, no good without the pictures.

Goals:  didn't get to all of them.  I'm OK with that though.  I aced a midterm.  HELL TO THE YEAH!  And did an assload of walking (but once I show you one of the pictures, that'll pretty much negate the walking, it's naughty).  *insert evil laugh here*  As far as the water goes, which was supposed to be my top goal.  Didn't happen.  Laundry and cleaning the house.  Didn't happen.  But, I aced a midterm!  WOO HOO!

However, I did get out of my house today and get a few other things done and rest my sanity.  Hubby is on vacation this week, as well as injured (the trifecta, kinda.  can there be a trifecta of only two things?) So, in fear I would kill him if I had to look at his face or hear the sound of his voice for one more minute.....this morning when I got up, I promptly showered, dressed, packed up my homework and a good book and got the hell out of dodge.

So sorry about the randomess.  I haven't been sleeping well (running on about 6 hours of sleep in the last three days), also having to do with the hubs being injured.  Pics coming tomorrow.  Are you excited yet?  Happy posting my friends.



I'm Baaaa-aaack......Did Ya Miss Me?

In honor of Halloween I want to start with this picture.  A picture that my own mom didn't even recognize was me when I showed it to her.  I'm leading with a Halloween photo for a couple of reasons.  One is Halloween is coming and I just love Halloween/Fall.  It's always been my favorite time of year.  Partly because in Wyoming we would always go to the mountains, in Wyoming and Colorado, and watch the leaves turn on the aspen trees.  It was gorgeous!  Never really appreciated that when I was a kid, and a few times was mad that mom "dragged" me out there, when I felt I had better things to do.  Now I miss it.  I wish I had some pictures of that to show you guys.  My mom took tons of pictures of things like this when I was a kid.  The other reason is that there is so much extra fat on my face.  This was taken Halloween of 2007, so three years ago this month.  Right after breast reduction surgery, and long before I was even considering lapband surgery.

This is a picture of me and Daddy at the races in May.  I don't know how to do side by sides, sorry.  Look at the difference in my face!  It's nuts.  Still have a little bit of a double chin in this shot, but it's hard to not have a double chin in a self portrait.  If anyone out there knows how, please let me know.

I've recently had people tell me that I'm getting too skinny.  I find this very amusing.  Damn near hilarious actually.  Mind you, these are people that have seen me at my heaviest and that's really the only way they've ever known me.  So mostly my hubby's friends and family are the ones telling me this.  God bless them.  :)  I know that I have less weight to lose than I've already lost.  So, that means I'm past the halfway mark.  It'll be two years in June that I've been banded and I've lost about 70 pounds.  Give or take a couple of pounds here and there.  My ultimate goal is 120; I would settle for 140, but I'd love to get down to 120.  I told hubby this the other day, and even he said that was too skinny.  God love him.  That way I have some room to grow (pun intended) when we decide to have kids.  Especially since, according to our family patterns and knowledge, I'm destined for twins.  Joy of joys.  :)  Chomping at the bit for that one.  You betcha.  My mom, however would be over the moon if that ended up happening. 

I seem to be having great difficulty setting short term goals for myself, as well as celebrating the goals I've already achieved.  Long term goals, no problem.  All over it.  I had a goal weight set when I went to my pre-op seminar.  Long term goals have never been an issue for me.  Short term always have.  I don't really have a reason for this, it's just the way I've always been.  A few of my friends have pointed out to me lately that I need to look at how far I've come and what I've accomplished to get this far.  Sometimes I do.  When I see before pictures, or pull a size 14 jeans fresh out of the dryer, still warm, and they go right on withing doing the beltloop hop (you know what I'm talking about ladies, we all done it), that's awesome; then other times I look at myself and think "damn, still fat."  This seems to have been the theme I'm running with lately.  And I'm not talking sprints, or baton relay type running here.  I'm running a damn marathon on this theory.  What the hell?!  That I'm still camera shy, or that I still see the fat chick.  Will I ever see the person everyone else sees?  Or will I always see that unhappy, unattractive (to me), 250 pound woman that had completely and totally given up.  On many things.  I'd given up on myself, my chance at getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy, being able to buy clothes in a regular store, and probably a hundred other things that I'll think about after this blog is already posted.

I've always been an all or nothing kind of woman.  I actually take pride in the fact that when I see something I want, I go after it.  Regardless of what people say.  And especially if someone has the stones to tell me that I can't get it done, if someone tells me that, I will get it done or die trying, guaranteed.  I was raised by a very strong and powerful woman, I've always said that if I'm half as strong as my mom when I die, I will have accomplished everything I've ever wanted, and I mean that.  I had an amazing teacher in my mom in how she lived her life.  My mom is a kick ass and take names kind of woman, and that's great.  I'm that way too.  As I said, that's the way she raised me to be.  I wouldn't change that.  However, unlike my mom, I falter.  There are times that I kick ass and take names, then there are times that I couldn't give two shits less.  Interesting.  And in those times I let people walk on me, be mean to me, and make me think that the way I live my life and the way I feel is wrong.  Again, interesting. 

I'm actually kind of disgusted with myself that I still see the obese me.  The me that wanted to just blend into the crowd, or better yet, disappear all together.  Maybe this is why I haven't been blogging, and lost 2 followers.  Which totally bums me out, but that's a blog for another day I guess.  I didn't sleep well last night and was thinking of all sorts of crazy things.  I had an epiphany of sorts I guess.  Had to be doing something other than staring at the ceiling I suppose.  Upon further examination I guess I should have been doing homework, but sorting through the sludge that has made up my thoughts and actions of the last few weeks was just as productive.  If not more.  It's really hard to do homework when you feel like your head is full of chocolate pudding.  Mmmmmm......chocolate pudding.  :p~~  Sorry, where was I?

In still seeing myself as the fat me, maybe that's why I'm in such a rut.  Maybe that's why I can't get past the fat me.  On my husbands side of the family we get together to celebrate all of the October Birthdays (which is like half of us) and mine (I'm the only one in the family with a birthday in September so we just do them all at once in October), well that get together was last night.  Of course, I had a good time.  Indulged in a few things I maybe shouldn't have.  Homemade cake and brownies.  They were so good though.  After two brownies, a hamburger patty, and a piece of cake, I'm up one pound today.  :)  It was worth it though.  Is that why I still think I'm fat?  Cuz I'm justifying the junk?  I'm going to blame it on TOM, his grouchy, stinkin' ass just left town.  It's his fault.  At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, where do I go from here?  I'm getting another fill next week.  I'm losing a bit of restriction and can eat stuff I can't eat when I'm at my sweet spot.  Hello cake and brownies.  So I want to get this issue taken care of before the holiday season rolls around, or I'll be screwed.  Going on the 28th to get a fill.  I'm hoping and going to ask for 1cc.  We'll see what the doc says, the worst they can do is tell me no. 

So, I guess my goal for a while is going to be to focus on the short term goals.  I know they are more easily attainable, but for some reason I just can't wrap my mind around them. 

Tomorrow's goals:

~Always have a glass of water in my hand (I've really been slacking off on this lately).

~Do the dishes and some of the laundry.

~Do some homework.  (not really band related, but all of my short term goals don't have to be I guess).

~Try to drop a couple-ish more pounds before my next fill on the 28th, but not beat myself up and sit pouting in the corner in the fetal position if I don't.  That will be the hard part.

We'll see how those things go over.  Four short term goals to accomplish, should be able to manage that.  Right?  Mmmmmmkay.........so, now that I've passed out inviations to my pity party.  Jeesh, sorry about that.  Felt good though.  This time I'm back for good.  I promise.  Now that I've placed short term goals for myself you guys will have to keep on top of me so that you know if I'm doing them.  Giving me a much needed kick in the arse.

Happy posting everybody, and I'm glad to be back.

Still Alive and Well

That seems to be my theme lately.  That I'm alive and well.  I actually don't know why I haven't been blogging.  I used to read and blog every day.  I stayed current with everyone and making sure I was keeping you all current on me.  Then I just stopped.  I'm really sorry guys.  I don't know why I did that. 

I've been reading though.  It looks like everyone had an amazing time in Chicago and I wished like hell I could have been there.  Hopefully, since the rumor is it's going to be a yearly thing I'll get to go next time. 

I'm still struggling after my back surgery.  Not as much as I was before surgery though.  I'm really busting my ass to get the last few classes in my program wrapped up so I can take my certification class and get a job.  That's been my main focus for the last few weeks.  Allowing me to pull my GPA out of the gutter a little bit. 

I had a birthday while I was absent, the big 3-0.  It was fun.  Spent the weekend with my family, then this last weekend was race weekend at Kansas Speedway so I got to do that.  Always a good time for me as you all know. 

There really hasn't been much else going on.  I guess that's why I haven't been blogging.  I'm getting a fill on the 13th.  It's pretty needed.  I know that I'm not wide open, which is great.  I hate those "could eat the ass end out of a buffalo" feelings.  They totally piss me off.  However, I know that I need a fill before Thanksgiving.  I don't want to take advantage of being too loose and overdo it. 

My loss has actually been pretty sporadic.  Some weeks I loose and some weeks I don't.  Which I guess that mean that it's steady.  Hell, I don't know.  And I know that it's me.  Not being able to exercise really hurts the weight loss.  Especially when I have times that I don't watch what I eat.  Tailgating this weekend though I did an awesome job!  Was very proud of myself. 

I know that I'm having some issues with the size I wear now.  It's like I'm not seeing it.  For years it was 2X and that's it.  Usually a 2X in mens.  No chance a 2X in women's would even attempt to fit me.  Well, at the track this weekend I got my usualy t-shirt/hoodie combo.  I saw this hoodie that I really liked and told the guy to give it to me in a 2X.  It was a mens hoodie.  I never opened it up and looked at it till I got up for the race the next day and was going to wear it.  This thing is HUGE!  I could wear it as a dress.  That one is definently going on the dryer.  Hubby asked me why I bought it that big and I told him it's cuz I thought that's the size I wear.  Odd.  Almost 70 pounds down and I still see the fat chick.  Odd and interesting.  Still working through that one I guess.

Here are a couple pictures of the last few months. 

 This is me and my nephew Joe at Camp Snoopy. 

 Me and Daddy at the races in May.  I love this picture.  Me and Daddy doing what we love most, spending time together at a race.

These are my feet, in Victory Lane at Kansas Speedway.  I'm also wearing the hoodie/dress that I bought the day before that's about 3 sizes too big.  Note, it goes down to my knees.  :)  And I think me and hubby both could fit in it.  Which I guess wouldn't be a bad thing.  ;)

Well, that's it everyone.  Hopefully I'll blog again sometime soon before the end of the year.  Good grief.  Happy posting everyone.

PS~Something I forgot to tell y'all.  My good friend Aimee is having gastric bypass this month on the 18th and is needing some input/support from us.  I know a lot of us follow tons of blogs and have a hard time keeping up sometimes, but if you want to look her up, she's at misfit4life.blogspot.com

Thanx ladies.

Still Camera Shy......

OK, sooooooooooo.....................my mom was telling me the other day that I needed to blog.  Gotta love mom, keeping me in line all sorts of ways.  Even from Rick's in Ohio. 

Since I last wrote I've been working on recovering from surgery still.  A little pissed off that is such a slow process.  But, as hubby tells me, I didn't get hurt overnight, not gonna get well overnight.  Ho hum. 

I've been going three times a week for a little over a month now to physical therapy, I have a couple more weeks of that left, then I go down to twice a week.  That'll be a relief.  For me and the checkbook, 45.00/visit co pay is a little harsh.  Thankfully they know that I can't pay it all at once and are working with me on the payments. 

Therapy days are still pretty rough.  But I'm walking about six blocks 5 days a week so that's helping too.  My band is still kinda loose right now.  I got a little fill a couple weeks ago and was supposed to go back today, but didn't want to go without my mom, since this is our thing, so I rescheduled it.  What's another couple of weeks.  Even with my band loose right now I'm still losing cuz I'm betting a fair amount of exercise.  With physical therapy and all the walking.  Which is so much easier now since surgery. 

This week was one of our nephews birthday's.  He turned 2.  My mother in law was going around to all the guests with a video camera and having us say a little birthday message to him.  I think this is kinda silly since he's only two and more than likely won't remember this birthday, much less the messages we all said, but hay, kept her busy and she wasn't ridiculing me, so hay.  I'll take it.  When it got around to me, I actually asked not to do it.  Not because I thought it was a silly idea, but because I didn't want to be on camera.  I didn't want to have to sit down and watch this with my nephew and think "look at that fat cow".  Interesting. 

Why is it that after 70 pounds I still look at myself and think "well shit, I'm still fat"?  I don't want my picture taken, I don't want to be on camera, and if I do, I try really damn hard to make sure something is in front of me (you know, the floating head shot) so all you can see is my face.  Again, interesting.  My face is where I notice it the most.  My drivers lisence doesn't even look like me anymore.  People will literally look at it, then look at me, back to the lisence, back to me, you know, like the old spice commercial.  (I'm on a horse)  :)  Sorry, couldn't help it. 

Back to the point......what the hell?  Why do I/we still see ourselves as fat?  When we've accomplished so much.  Losing 50+ pounds is an accomplishment!  For anyone!  And to keep it off, that's even better!  My list blog that I wrote a while back comes to mind.  Where I would do good to remember the things I've accomplished (band and otherwise) in my life when I think I've done nothing.  I've been through a lot in my young life.  At least that's what mom says. 

Who else has ran into this issue?  Just out of my own curiosity.  How many of us have lost significant amounts and are still camera shy?

Hello My Lovelies.....

Hi everyone.  I know that when I made my last post I promised I was back for good.  And, I didn't lie, technically, but it's been kinda weird around my parts in the last couple weeks. 

The healing process with my back is going really well.  I'm still in pain, but nothing like it was before.  The debilitating spasms going down my butt and legs are totally gone.  Which is great.  That was one of the biggest complaints that I had for the doc.  As well as being in constant pain all the time. 

The pain I'm in now is more of a healing pain.  I'm very sore still.  Which kinda angers me a little.  I was hoping I'd bounce back quicker than this.  I start physical theraphy on Monday.  The doc ordered water therapy as well as traditional therapy, but right now the physical therapist thinks we should stick with strictly water therapy.  Which brings me to my swimsuit fear from the last post.  Especially since they took fluid out of my band and I've been gaining.  The swimsuit looks pretty decent though.  For the first one I've owned in 10 years, it'll do.  :)

In the assessment he gave me he said that since my back was messed up for so long and I've compensated for so many things everything in my body is kinda tilted to the right.  Ankles, pelvis, hips, shoulders, neck, the whole nine yards.  So that is going to be first on the agenda; lining me back up, which he said would make me much more comfortable just in everyday life.  He kinda tried to pop a few things back in place on Wednesday when I did my assessment, but I couldn't handle it.  On the plus side, my GIANT bruises from my IV's and having blood drawn a million times are finally starting to go away.  They're kind of yellowish instead of purple.  I bruise really easy and so drawing blood or getting an IV is pretty brutal.  I even bruise when I get fills and that needle doesn't bother me at all. 

I'm slowly trying to get life back to normal.  My hubby was on vacation for a week and half to take care of me at home.  While I was very grateful and really did need his help, I'm so glad he went back to work.  lol  He was driving me insane!  Since I wasn't really able to go anywhere we were together all the time.  Not good.  Hubby and I love eachother very much, but we're also people that need our own space.  Which, most of the time, we both respect, if we can.  But when I'm not cleared to drive yet and really have no money to go anywhere on my own, it's a little hard.  I kid you not, it was getting to the point that the very sound of his voice made me want to slap the shit out of him.  lol  Not good. 

However, he went back to work on Monday and both of our routines are slowly getting back to normal.  Sort of.  I'm not able to do as much of the housework right now as I was doing before because I'm still on a lot of restrictions, but I can do a few things.  And, we get to spend some much needed time apart. 

In getting back to my daily routine I've noticed that it's getting easier to get up and around.  Moving around is easier.  Still not 100% which, I gotta be honest, I'm kinda pissed about.  Not a lot I can do about it, but it is what it is.  Doc said I might not be all the way to 100% for three to six months.  Joy of joys.  *insert extreme sarcasm here*  However, at my post op appointment when he took my staples out and took x-rays he said that the hardware looked perfect.  So that's good, and a load off my mind.  That means I'm doing things right I guess.

On the band front, I'm doing better since my little stint in the hospital.  They took WAY TOO MUCH out of my band though.  I know they did it for my safety, which is cool, but damn!  Did they forget I'm a fattie?  :)  I just can't wait till next week when I can have them put it back in.  I was at my sweet spot.  I was just stupid and wasn't taking my antiacids like I should have been and screwed everything up.  As I said in my last post, that has since changed.  I miss my sweet spot and restriction.  However, I will have it back next week.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder indeed.  :)

Well, I guess that's all I have for today my friends.  Was just checking in with you.  I'm still way behind on blogs, hopefully I'll get semi-caught up today.  At least that's the plan.  Happy posting everyone.

A Slew of Updates

HAY EVERYBODY! 

This is actually my first post since before I had surgery.  I know that a couple of days after surgery hubby posted that I was doing ok.  Since then I've had a couple issues.

I was in the hospital a few extra days than is usual with this type of surgery.  I was on a pain drip of course in my IV, well the meds they were giving me was shutting my body down.  My kidney's stopped acting as much and my blood pressure went down to 80/30.  They had to give me something in the IV to raise it back up.  There are about two whole days that I don't remember.  Chris left on Friday afternoon because he had to work on Saturday and he also needed to pick up the dog.  I remember that, but that's all I remember till Monday. 

After I got off the pain drip things got a lot better.  On Monday I got up and started walking and doing the initial bit of therapy they wanted me to do in the hospital.  Getting back to walking, at that time I was using the assistance of a walker.  Then I went to a cane.  Now, a couple weeks after surgery I'm not using either.  Which is a good thing.  The doc actually took all walking aides away from me yesterday when he did my post op.  I went into the hospital for surgery on the 8th and left on the 13th, so I was in the hospital for 5 days. Like I said, little longer than normal, but we had the issues with the pain drip.

They didn't let me eat or drink anything for four freakin' days!  lol  Which I know would have been much more of an issue before being banded.  After, not so much.  I actually wasn't that hungry so it wasn't that big of a deal to me.  I was really thirsty, but not hungry at all.  They wanted me to pass gas before I could eat.  Which is pretty standard for most surgeries.  I told the doc that since I've had my band done my body doesn't work that way.  There's nothing coming out if nothing's going in.  As we all know.  Still didn't matter to them.  They were just following the rules though, can't be mad at them for that.

I did get to eat one meal before I left.  Which wasn't too bad.  Hubby said the food was really good.  The menu was actually pretty upscale.  The one mean I had was shrimp skewers with rice pilaf.  I was rather impressed.  However, it was a little spicy.

After I was released from the hospital I went to my mom and dad's for a few days till they left for vacation.  I was enjoying life at mom and dad's.  No one takes better care of you when you're sick than your parents.  lol  No matter how old you are.  At almost 30 years old, I know there's no one like mom.  :D  And mom has cable.  Which I don't.  So I got to indulge in a little cable tv while I was there.  It's the simple things in life I guess.

After I came home is when the band issues started.  I was home for a couple of days when I started getting really bad acid reflux.  I was waking up in the middle of the night as well as still getting sick during the day.  After about 5 days of that I called the bariatic center where I got the band placed and they said they needed to see me immediately.  Which is a three hour drive from my house.  I actually called the bariatric center here first, and since they're full of morons, they wouldn't treat me.  I told them about the issues that I was having.  They asked me if I had my band placed there, I told them no, they seriously told me that I was out of luck and had to go where I had it placed.  When I informed them that it was 3 hours from my house they basically told me that was my problem.  Assholes.

So I called up mom and asked her if she wanted to take a small roadtrip with me.  This was the day she got home from vacation.  I felt kinda bad for her.  She had been up since 4 that morning and had got off the plane to find me sick and had to take another mini roadtrip. 

I went to the ER in the hospital where I had the band placed.  They took about 2cc's of fluid out.  They kept me in the hospital over night.  After they took the 2cc's out I was able to eat some mashed potatoes and a little bit of soup.  In the morning they gave me a barium swallow to make sure the band didn't slip.  Which it hasn't.  I tell you what, my doc must have welded that thing in there.  lol  I was positive it was gonna be bad news.  But the band is fine.  It actually could have been anything.  However, more likely cuz I wasn't taking my acid reflux medication like I should have.  I have since started taking it again.  I night in the hospital, Lord knows what it's going to cost us for heartburn.  Nice.  I did eat lunch at the hospital and it stayed down fine.  As has everything since so they said it was all good.  I have another fill scheduled for August 5th, they're going to evaluate my situation then and fill me back up accordingly.

Yesterday, the surgeon for my back took the staples out.  It was an anterior and posterior spinal fusion, which means they went in through the front and the back.  When he took all the staples out and took xrays, he said that all the hardware looks great and to just keep doing what I'm doing.  The hardware looks totally freaky.  It's weird.  I look like the bionic woman.  If I had a pic of the xray, I'd post it, but I don't. 

Right now I have a lot of restrictions.  I can't lift anything, bend, stoop, push or pull anything.  I also can't carry anything.  Right now I'm doing a lot of catching up on blogs and reading.  I've been doing a lot of walking.  Usually I'll take a couple extra laps around the grocery store when we go.  Which totally counts and it's air conditioned.  :D  July in Missouri is miserable to be walking outside.  No way.  I get to start physical therapy next week.  Which is water and land therapy.  Super cool.  That means I have to buy/acquire a swimsuit.  May the force be with me.

Well, that's about all I've got.  Just a heads up to let you all know that surgery went well and I'm doing better.  I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH!  Now I need to get more caught up on all your blogs. 

Happy posting everyone.  Talk to you all soon.