What is a Failure

Well, if you ask my mom, she'll tell you that "A failure is only someone who fails to try."  Super awesome quote.  She's told me this all of my life.  So in honor of that, I got this......

The "love mom" is actually in my moms handwriting.  This is my lower leg from about my mid calf to my ankle.  It's a little bit bigger than I had anticipated it was going to be.  But in order for it to be readable it needed to be larger so the words didn't run together over time. 

In band related news, I'm now firmly in onederland, 192 this morning before I went to the doctors office.  While there he gave me a water pill and an appetite suppressant since I can't exercise right now it will pretty much ensure I can keep losing weight while I'm laid up after surgery for a couple months. 

That's really all I have.  Hope you all are having a great day.  Happy posting everyone.

Happy Bandiversary to Me (a Couple Days Late)

First of all, let me start by saying, holy supportive comments batman!  You ladies are like a good bra.  :)  And believe me, I know the value of a good bra.  :)  In all seriousness though ladies, thanx heaps for all of your support.  Things are getting a little better around my area and I'm starting to claw myself out of the hole a few feet at a time while trying to keep the dust out of my eyes.

Wednesday, the 16th, was my one year bandiversary and here is a list of some of the things I've learned in the last year, band related and non band related:

• This is not the "easy way out", "chicken exit", "lazy mans diet", "eat less, move more", "it's all about portion control", "you choose to be fat, all you have to do is put the food down and exercise" and all the other bullshit I've heard from nay sayers that know nothing about this in the last year.  To those people I say, kick rocks!
• Being banded has changed who I am and how I live my life.
• This blogging community and the people I've met here are very much like a surrogate family, and even though many of us have never met we know we have friends for life.
• My mom (my original bandster sister) rocks!  OK, that's not something I've learned in the last year, I've always known it, but just thought I'd throw it out there.
• I really miss sugar free Red Bull.  My doc is a no carbonation at all, ever doc. 
• I actually can clean my house and my car and keep them that way.  Who knew?
• I am stronger than I have been giving myself credit for and would do well to remember that in times I feel I'm not worth it.  However, still not as rock solid as my mom.  She's a hoss folks.  The things she's done and accomplished in her life.  If I'm half as strong as her when I die, I will have accomplished everything I've ever wanted.
• I can slow down.  Take a couple of days to just chill out and take a breather and the world as I know it will not come to an end.
• I'm on the fence about kids.  Sometimes I want them and sometimes I don't.  However, I do know that there is something to be said for being the cool aunt that buys whoopie cushions, bicycle horns, drum sets, and other obnoxious toys that bug the shit out of the parents of said child, and wires the kids up on sugar and sends them home.
• The day you have any type of bariatric surgery really is the first day of the rest of your life.  There are so many things you can do within losing just a small amount of weight that you truly become a different person. 
• I have knees, and ankles.  Didn't know that when I was fat(er).  It was just all kinda one unit.  Cankles.  Sexy.  Ummmmm.....not so much.
• I want to help people.  I want to do whatever I can to get the word out about bariatric surgery to anyone I can.  I want to become an advocate for this cause and make sure that anyone thinking about it knows it's not going to be easy, but the rewards and benefits far outweigh anything else.
• I'm very sad that my grandpas and my great grandma couldn't see how I've made this difference in my life and want to make a difference in the lives of others.  For they passed away years ago when I was still too young to really make an impact on society.
• Being too tight sucks.
• Being too loose sucks.
• Unfills suck.  They suck more when you get too much taken out and can eat like the band isn't even there.
• Retaining water makes a GIANT difference on the scale.
• Accountability is a crucial part of this process.
• Going to the races and walking around is a lot easier when there's 50 pounds less of me to carry.  Does that mean I can buy more stuff?  Jury's still out on that one.  :)
• I actually look pretty damn good with purple hair.  Again, who knew?
• My friends didn't see me as a fat person.  They just saw me as me and didn't really notice all the extra weight.  When I tell people what I weighed before they are shocked and many times don't believe me.  Which says a lot about the few people I allowed into my life and allowed to see the real me.  They thought I kicked ass anyway.  Wow, thanx guys, really, thanx.
• It's pretty hard to enjoy life when you're so unhealthy you're doing good to roll out of bed.
• I'm not so afraid of needles anymore.
• When you eat smaller amounts of food, you want those foods to be good.  Like, really good.  I'm talking steak and lobster good.
• People notice you a lot more when you're not busting your ass to just blend in and disappear.
• Being an adult sucks.
• Support is a huge part of this journey.  If you're reading this and you're thinking of getting the surgery and have no support at home, reach out for it.  Come here.  We will support you! 
• I have no regrets of doing this.  Even with a couple of unfills and missing my Red Bull, I would still do this all again, on a dime.  No doubts.  Absolutely do it again.
• I think I've finally figured out the reason why I did this.  Originally it was so I could get healthy enough to have a baby.  See above regarding that.  I know lots of you have kids and have said you did this so you could play with your kids and not be out of breath.  Great reason.  I realized that I'm kinda selfish though.  I did this for me.  So my back wouldn't hurt, so my knees wouldn't hurt.  So I could keep up with my nephews and my niece.  To be noticed.  To get a better quality of life.  And to make a difference.
• I think this is my calling.  To make a difference in the world of bariatric patients.  Maybe that's why I've taken forever to finish school and for some unknown (at the time) reason I gravitated towards the medical field.  Maybe that's why many bariatric patients do.  I'm going to be a huge part of turning this around for people.  Making sure insurance companies know that it's not our choice to be fat.  I don't know yet how I'm going to do this, but I know that I will.  I will find a way. 
• I never really knew who I was till I got banded.  I thought I knew, turns out I was just full of shit.  All those years of thinking that I knew who I was.  Only to get banded and realize I knew nothing about myself.  Hmmm.
• People are shallow.  Even though I love being noticed, it's odd that people never noticed me when I was fat(er).  But now, I get doors opened for me, people smile at me on the street.  Weird, just weird. 
• Hubby has recently started noticing me in a different light and seeing me differently.  Even though he was against this when it started, he's coming around and is happy about the differences this has made in my life and how much better I feel.

Well, I guess that's all I have for now.  Happy posting y'all and don't forget to wish your fathers a Happy Fathers Day.

I'm Still Alive.......and Some Other Shit

Hay everybody!  I know it's been damn near ages since I posted.  I got an email from BG today and she seemed to elude to the fact she thought I was dead.  Not dead, just kinda in a dark place right now.

First of all BG, I'd like to say thanx for the much needed kick in the ass.  I've been kinda cooking up this post for a while now, but couldn't bring myself to write it.  I don't know exactly why.  Certainly not because I didn't think I'd get the support I needed here.  That has nothing to do with it actually, but.......oh hell, I don't know. 

I officially have a date for my back surgery.  July 8th at 6:00 am.  (yes mom, that says 6:00 am)  We are officially filing for bankruptcy.  Hopefully we'll be getting all of that underway during the first week of next month.  Or it will have to wait till after surgery.

The last time that I got a fill, I had one rough day of things getting stuck and ran out of patience, therefore, I went to the ER for an unfill.  Big mistake.  I ended up getting way too much taken out and if I would have been patient I could have just dealt with it.  I'm a big advocate that if something is preventable, there's no reason to have to deal with it.  Maybe it's because I expect instant gratification.  Who knows.  Not me that's for damn sure. 

I'm noticing in a lot of blogs that there are relationship issues going on.  I'm in that boat too.  Hubby never wanted me to have this surgery anyway and was originally not even going to accompany me to the hospital when I was to have it.  In that regard he came around and ended up going.  However, sometimes I think he wishes I didn't have it.  He tries to get me to try things that I know I can't eat.  And when my band was loose I was able to eat anything I wanted.  Not good.  And he seems to think that he knows my band better than I do.  Which he doesn't.  Sometimes I wonder if it would be different if we had met after I had the surgery, or I had met someone else within the last year after surgery.  Please make no mistake, I'm not second guessing our relationship or thinking I'd settled, wished I'd married someone else, etc.  I just wish the hubby had a better bedside manner sometimes.  Which he hasn't one.  I'm very confused right now.  I knew this would change my relationship with him, but I don't know if I expected it to change EVERYTHING!  Literally everything.  I don't mean to come off as nieve here, but wow.  Just wow. 

Before I left for my fill the other day I told my hubby that I hope I hadn't gained, but would accept it if I had.  He said that the band is all a matter of portion control.  No shit?  Why didn't someone tell me this before?  Would have saved me almost $12,000.00.  Portion control, get the hell out of here.  Pfft.  If I knew what portion control was to start with, I wouldn't have needed the band in the first place.  Holy shit.  Why do people do that?  Spout off about shit they have no clue about?  Good grief. 

I'm really worried about this surgery coming up.  I asked the doc how long it would take and he said worst case scenario 8 hours, best case scenario 4 hours.  He said most of the time they last about 6 hours.  Which I'll be in the hospital for at least three dayse afterward he said.  Then it's home to rest.  Post op on July 21st to get my staples taken out, I'm sure at that time is when the rehabbing will start.  Right now there's not much else to tell about that.  Other than he's going to fix it.  Which is all I know right now.

Well, enough with the Debbie Downer, on to "some other shit".  (sorry mom)  :)

Daddy and I went to the races (shocked?  didn't think so) and they got rained out.  TOTAL BUMMER!  Here are a couple of shots of what the track looked like and what my shoes looked like after traipsing around in the pits and mud for a few minutes. 

Mud soup anyone?  :)

The following shots are from this years Relay for Life Cancer Walk.  As I told you all before, hubby and I are huge supporters of this walk and enjoy raising the money for cancer research.  He lost his Aunt and I've lost my Grandpa and an Uncle to cancer.  So it's something that's close to our hearts. 

We made a PANTLOAD of money this year.  Our team alone raised over $1,000.00, which is super cool.  Our booth was a shooting gallery, plus some stuff to purchase and raffle.  Hubby and his brother ran the shooting gallery and I ran the donations for raffles and the other stuff we were selling.  It was a nice time and is a wonderful occasion to honor those in our community we've lost to cancer or are still fighting the good fight. 

Here's a shot of our booth before the chaos started.  :)

Sherriff Woody, our unofficial shooting gallery mascot.

Memorial ink hubby got for his Aunt he lost to breast cancer last year.

Ma'am.

The new sherriff's in town.  Who elected those guys?  There goes the neighborhood.

The shooting gallery we made.  I think every kid in the whole place came to our booth at least three times.  They had to shoot the animals down with rubber band guns.  Note the lion, tiger and bear combo in the front row.  :)  Oh my.

Hubby, my father in law and his girlfriend LaVonne taking the team lap.  Which is when we carry the banner with our team name on it so people know who we are.  Hubby and I had the banner made this year in honor of his Aunt, who was our Team Captain till we lost her last year.

On the random side, proof my dog thinks she's a person.  :)

Well, I guess that's all I have everyone.  Had to end it on a happy note.  Sorry I've been absent and that this was a downer post.  But we can't all shit gumdrops and fart rainbows.  (love ya Draz.  sorry, again mom)  If you hung in there and made it to the end of this one.  You're all amazing.  And thanx for missing me and noticing I was gone.  Promise to post again soon.

Update:  Here is a pic of my mom.  Size 10 y'all.  Isn't she cute?!  47 pounds down after being banded last year.  WAY TO GO MOM!