Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm Baaaa-aaack......Did Ya Miss Me?

In honor of Halloween I want to start with this picture.  A picture that my own mom didn't even recognize was me when I showed it to her.  I'm leading with a Halloween photo for a couple of reasons.  One is Halloween is coming and I just love Halloween/Fall.  It's always been my favorite time of year.  Partly because in Wyoming we would always go to the mountains, in Wyoming and Colorado, and watch the leaves turn on the aspen trees.  It was gorgeous!  Never really appreciated that when I was a kid, and a few times was mad that mom "dragged" me out there, when I felt I had better things to do.  Now I miss it.  I wish I had some pictures of that to show you guys.  My mom took tons of pictures of things like this when I was a kid.  The other reason is that there is so much extra fat on my face.  This was taken Halloween of 2007, so three years ago this month.  Right after breast reduction surgery, and long before I was even considering lapband surgery.
This is a picture of me and Daddy at the races in May.  I don't know how to do side by sides, sorry.  Look at the difference in my face!  It's nuts.  Still have a little bit of a double chin in this shot, but it's hard to not have a double chin in a self portrait.  If anyone out there knows how, please let me know.

I've recently had people tell me that I'm getting too skinny.  I find this very amusing.  Damn near hilarious actually.  Mind you, these are people that have seen me at my heaviest and that's really the only way they've ever known me.  So mostly my hubby's friends and family are the ones telling me this.  God bless them.  :)  I know that I have less weight to lose than I've already lost.  So, that means I'm past the halfway mark.  It'll be two years in June that I've been banded and I've lost about 70 pounds.  Give or take a couple of pounds here and there.  My ultimate goal is 120; I would settle for 140, but I'd love to get down to 120.  I told hubby this the other day, and even he said that was too skinny.  God love him.  That way I have some room to grow (pun intended) when we decide to have kids.  Especially since, according to our family patterns and knowledge, I'm destined for twins.  Joy of joys.  :)  Chomping at the bit for that one.  You betcha.  My mom, however would be over the moon if that ended up happening. 

I seem to be having great difficulty setting short term goals for myself, as well as celebrating the goals I've already achieved.  Long term goals, no problem.  All over it.  I had a goal weight set when I went to my pre-op seminar.  Long term goals have never been an issue for me.  Short term always have.  I don't really have a reason for this, it's just the way I've always been.  A few of my friends have pointed out to me lately that I need to look at how far I've come and what I've accomplished to get this far.  Sometimes I do.  When I see before pictures, or pull a size 14 jeans fresh out of the dryer, still warm, and they go right on withing doing the beltloop hop (you know what I'm talking about ladies, we all done it), that's awesome; then other times I look at myself and think "damn, still fat."  This seems to have been the theme I'm running with lately.  And I'm not talking sprints, or baton relay type running here.  I'm running a damn marathon on this theory.  What the hell?!  That I'm still camera shy, or that I still see the fat chick.  Will I ever see the person everyone else sees?  Or will I always see that unhappy, unattractive (to me), 250 pound woman that had completely and totally given up.  On many things.  I'd given up on myself, my chance at getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy, being able to buy clothes in a regular store, and probably a hundred other things that I'll think about after this blog is already posted.

I've always been an all or nothing kind of woman.  I actually take pride in the fact that when I see something I want, I go after it.  Regardless of what people say.  And especially if someone has the stones to tell me that I can't get it done, if someone tells me that, I will get it done or die trying, guaranteed.  I was raised by a very strong and powerful woman, I've always said that if I'm half as strong as my mom when I die, I will have accomplished everything I've ever wanted, and I mean that.  I had an amazing teacher in my mom in how she lived her life.  My mom is a kick ass and take names kind of woman, and that's great.  I'm that way too.  As I said, that's the way she raised me to be.  I wouldn't change that.  However, unlike my mom, I falter.  There are times that I kick ass and take names, then there are times that I couldn't give two shits less.  Interesting.  And in those times I let people walk on me, be mean to me, and make me think that the way I live my life and the way I feel is wrong.  Again, interesting. 

I'm actually kind of disgusted with myself that I still see the obese me.  The me that wanted to just blend into the crowd, or better yet, disappear all together.  Maybe this is why I haven't been blogging, and lost 2 followers.  Which totally bums me out, but that's a blog for another day I guess.  I didn't sleep well last night and was thinking of all sorts of crazy things.  I had an epiphany of sorts I guess.  Had to be doing something other than staring at the ceiling I suppose.  Upon further examination I guess I should have been doing homework, but sorting through the sludge that has made up my thoughts and actions of the last few weeks was just as productive.  If not more.  It's really hard to do homework when you feel like your head is full of chocolate pudding.  Mmmmmm......chocolate pudding.  :p~~  Sorry, where was I?

In still seeing myself as the fat me, maybe that's why I'm in such a rut.  Maybe that's why I can't get past the fat me.  On my husbands side of the family we get together to celebrate all of the October Birthdays (which is like half of us) and mine (I'm the only one in the family with a birthday in September so we just do them all at once in October), well that get together was last night.  Of course, I had a good time.  Indulged in a few things I maybe shouldn't have.  Homemade cake and brownies.  They were so good though.  After two brownies, a hamburger patty, and a piece of cake, I'm up one pound today.  :)  It was worth it though.  Is that why I still think I'm fat?  Cuz I'm justifying the junk?  I'm going to blame it on TOM, his grouchy, stinkin' ass just left town.  It's his fault.  At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, where do I go from here?  I'm getting another fill next week.  I'm losing a bit of restriction and can eat stuff I can't eat when I'm at my sweet spot.  Hello cake and brownies.  So I want to get this issue taken care of before the holiday season rolls around, or I'll be screwed.  Going on the 28th to get a fill.  I'm hoping and going to ask for 1cc.  We'll see what the doc says, the worst they can do is tell me no. 

So, I guess my goal for a while is going to be to focus on the short term goals.  I know they are more easily attainable, but for some reason I just can't wrap my mind around them. 

Tomorrow's goals:
~Always have a glass of water in my hand (I've really been slacking off on this lately).
~Do the dishes and some of the laundry.
~Do some homework.  (not really band related, but all of my short term goals don't have to be I guess).
~Try to drop a couple-ish more pounds before my next fill on the 28th, but not beat myself up and sit pouting in the corner in the fetal position if I don't.  That will be the hard part.

We'll see how those things go over.  Four short term goals to accomplish, should be able to manage that.  Right?, now that I've passed out inviations to my pity party.  Jeesh, sorry about that.  Felt good though.  This time I'm back for good.  I promise.  Now that I've placed short term goals for myself you guys will have to keep on top of me so that you know if I'm doing them.  Giving me a much needed kick in the arse.

Happy posting everybody, and I'm glad to be back.


LDswims said...

Yes I missed you, glad you are back!

I have the same problem with short term goals and the same being able to really keep on the long term goals. I figure if I focus on short term goals and then fail or miss slightly or whatever, that's likely to throw me off my long term goal which is more important. So short term goals are hard for me to justify since I can do so well with long term goals.

Nonetheless, the challenge of the short term goal can really be fun or can stir it all up or can light fires or can...

So glad you are back! Don't go away again!!

Darlin1 said...

Welcome Back!!

I agree with with you both --short term goals are hard ---and we are all proof of our long term goals;-)

Lap Band Groupie said...

Glad you're blogging again! Support and accountability here ;-) Love ya!

Anonymous said...

hi sewwtheart,
glad to see you again. but i have to agree you do have allot of homework to do so that does come first. you are also a strong and hard working woman and don't say or think your not. school comes first that way hopefully you can get out of that dirty river rat town some day. i love you soooo very much and i am sooooo very proud of you.

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